Grandchildren

I miss my eldest granddaughter, and have never yet met my youngest one. They live over 1500 miles away. For security reasons I will not reveal their names. Their mother was from the love between my first wife and I. Her daughters are both miracles to her because of her condition that should have made it difficult to have children at all.

As far away as they are, they are both near to my heart, and I wonder if I will ever get to see them again. I also fear not being close to my dad when his final days are over. As he ages and has dementia, and as he may have his prostate cancer back, I am trying to move back closer to both my parents. To do that means giving up a job that I hate anyway, but more than that it means trying at the age of 50 to find another one that I can handle for the next 20 years. What I'd like is ownership in a business, but I have no experience in that realm.

Spring-Summer Transitions

There is a newness about every Spring, and a desire for Summer to quickly arrive. Since I am now 50 years old, I have come to realize that wishing time to go by quickly is foolish, and I spend more time now wishing I had it all back. The journey through life is difficult, but if it weren't for that difficulty where would the adventure of living be? I am so happy for all of my children who are just experiencing life in their own ways. I may not agree with their belief systems, but I respect their right to choose their path. After all, God did not force me to choose Him, I had to do that of my own free will. Free will is what God has given us.

I am in awe of the complexity life has become, and I believe the prophesies that say we are spinning out of control and that there is only ONE solution to the whole thing...Jesus Christ was and is that solution. Sadly, many will not choose that path, and I believe Hell is a real place, so I naturally would desire that my children come to know Jesus, and put aside other Worldly paths.

As I age, I am finding that my body is failing, that my center of gravity has changed, and that it is much harder to recoup ANYTHING damaged or fallen in my body. I will however say that more of me is surrendered to Jesus. I would also say that I am more content with where I am going, and assured of my final destination. Wanna come along?

I love you all: Chrissy, Jenny, Rebecca, Jessica, Kelli, Ashley, Mary, Denialle, Gabrialle, Mom, Dad, Scott, Regi, and Chyrl...may the Lord guide all of you to Himself and make Himself known to you.

My Easter Awareness

I get a great peace of mind whenever my children, all mostly grown up now, come to visit, or whenever I can go to visit them and they say or do something that causes me to be so very proud of them. You know, as you raise them, that there are always those questions in your mind that echo doubts about whether or not the lessons you taught them have sunk in, and if they are utilizing the skills you gave them. Then they find ways to show you that everything is all right.

I am proud of what they have achieved and what they are trying to achieve, for it is not in the success of it all that it matters much to me, but in the trying to succeed, and the fairness by which they play the game, and the integrity they show in the process.

I have two step daughters. One I am very proud of, and the other I still hold out hope that she'll catch on. Though I think the youngest one will have to endure many hardships before she sees that there is wisdom in what I tried to teach her. I haven't been the best step-dad. That remains the toughest job in our society today, I believe. I love them all, and I pray that God will get ahold of their hearts and minds and make them grow up to be loving, compassionate persons who think of others while not neglecting themselves.

This Sunday is Easter, the day we Christians who are truly Christians whose names are written in the Lamb's Book of Life, celebrate the greatest event, greatest gift God gave to all men. The gift of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, Who set in motion the events that His faithful will follow. I am in praise of His creation, something a random BANG could never have accomplished. I praise God for all He is and all He has provided for me and for all of my true brothers and sisters! Not the pew warmers, not the people who claim to be Christians then live for themselves, but for those Who have placed their entire trust in Jesus for their Salvation.

Kelli has trimmed, but not stopped her drinking entirely. Yet, for some stupid reason I hang on. Is it because I am tired of re-marrying, or because I am too lazy to make changes that maybe should be made? I truly do not know. I only know that if God wants her out of my life, He alone will make that happen. For, "What God has put together, let not man put apart." So, on I go.

Fall of 2006 Thoughts

It's the middle of November, we have just turned on our DSL connection and are now enjoying 21st century speed. How long I can afford it is up to God. Kelli has been doing well with the alcohol problem, but I wish she'd stop completely. Content I guess I should be that she has not really come home drunk in a long time. Our marriage has been rocky, but we are working things out there I think. I love her, I must for all of the problems I have hung in there for.

One more in the nest to boot out. Hope she leaves soon.

No Pain-No Gain?

Whatever it takes for us to sit down and listen to the Lord, it will happen. It happens because He loves us with unending enduring love. It happened for Kelli on June 6th, 2006. She put her fist through a plate glass window of the storm door because she was drunk, and mad at me. What she got for he effort was many stitches, an almost severed off arm, and much loss of blood. She was very lucky, and is recovering nicely, but she has learned something too. This was enough to be her "wake up call". I am not glad it happened that way, only that she woke up.

Daily thoughts

Daily thoughts

It seems all of us have crosses to bare. Kelli's is her health, which she does not manage very well. She now has a large mass in her breast, the one that was operated on last and a mass removed already. The same one that pre-cancer cells was found in. Although she has not made a big deal out of it tonight so far, I know her well enough to know she is scared. This is a fear that many women with fibrocystic disease deal with on a lifetime basis.

We have rain now. The drought watch is probably going to be over for a while. The sun has poked out this evening, it's 6:28Pm EST and days are longer now anyway.

I continue to struggle with debt, resisting bankruptcy and laboring through what I can pay. Meanwhile our utilities need to be paid and we need to be able to rise above all of this and be able to enjoy life again. Perhaps along the way we will get time to relax. Maybe that is not what life really offers, but it is never the less a hope I have.

Challenges abound where Mary is concerned, she continues to test me and in fact is down right abusive knowing I can not do anything about it. I hate being a stepfather, and I hate how I have to feel when she's around. I wish she'd hurry up and move the fu*k out!

Kelli had to go back into work tonight, so I am Mr. Mom for a couple of hours.

Daily thoughts: New Lease

Daily thoughts: Sweet Guy

It has been one week and 2 days since Kelli's last drink. I can see her trying to get ahold of her alcoholism now. I also hope this won't be temporary for her. She said she now knows I was serious about leaving her. If that motivates her, then that is a good thing, right?

I also went through a short trial of my own. I had a Nuclear Stress Test the monday before Easter, and got a call on that Tuesday following telling Kelli I had better get set up for a Heart Cath soon. We both were panicing and stressing over that. On Good Friday I had the cath done. The doctor claimed that there was an 11% chance it was wrong, but the cath was the only way to know for certain. So, I was looking forward to having Stents put in, and panicing and stressing the whole time. The stress test was WRONG! I was not only clear, but had no narrowings either.

Now all I have to deal with is getting this weight off, getting my blood sugar under control, and maybe even getting off all three of my medications within a year's time. THAT SHALL BE MY GOAL! I am doing fairly well with that so far.

To Kelli: I love you so much. I hope you will beat the alcohol thing. I really hope Mary doesn't drive us apart in the end. I will try not to let her win! When she is 18 and graduated, I can toss her butt out! And I will.