Grandchildren

I miss my eldest granddaughter, and have never yet met my youngest one. They live over 1500 miles away. For security reasons I will not reveal their names. Their mother was from the love between my first wife and I. Her daughters are both miracles to her because of her condition that should have made it difficult to have children at all.

As far away as they are, they are both near to my heart, and I wonder if I will ever get to see them again. I also fear not being close to my dad when his final days are over. As he ages and has dementia, and as he may have his prostate cancer back, I am trying to move back closer to both my parents. To do that means giving up a job that I hate anyway, but more than that it means trying at the age of 50 to find another one that I can handle for the next 20 years. What I'd like is ownership in a business, but I have no experience in that realm.

Spring-Summer Transitions

There is a newness about every Spring, and a desire for Summer to quickly arrive. Since I am now 50 years old, I have come to realize that wishing time to go by quickly is foolish, and I spend more time now wishing I had it all back. The journey through life is difficult, but if it weren't for that difficulty where would the adventure of living be? I am so happy for all of my children who are just experiencing life in their own ways. I may not agree with their belief systems, but I respect their right to choose their path. After all, God did not force me to choose Him, I had to do that of my own free will. Free will is what God has given us.

I am in awe of the complexity life has become, and I believe the prophesies that say we are spinning out of control and that there is only ONE solution to the whole thing...Jesus Christ was and is that solution. Sadly, many will not choose that path, and I believe Hell is a real place, so I naturally would desire that my children come to know Jesus, and put aside other Worldly paths.

As I age, I am finding that my body is failing, that my center of gravity has changed, and that it is much harder to recoup ANYTHING damaged or fallen in my body. I will however say that more of me is surrendered to Jesus. I would also say that I am more content with where I am going, and assured of my final destination. Wanna come along?

I love you all: Chrissy, Jenny, Rebecca, Jessica, Kelli, Ashley, Mary, Denialle, Gabrialle, Mom, Dad, Scott, Regi, and Chyrl...may the Lord guide all of you to Himself and make Himself known to you.

My Easter Awareness

I get a great peace of mind whenever my children, all mostly grown up now, come to visit, or whenever I can go to visit them and they say or do something that causes me to be so very proud of them. You know, as you raise them, that there are always those questions in your mind that echo doubts about whether or not the lessons you taught them have sunk in, and if they are utilizing the skills you gave them. Then they find ways to show you that everything is all right.

I am proud of what they have achieved and what they are trying to achieve, for it is not in the success of it all that it matters much to me, but in the trying to succeed, and the fairness by which they play the game, and the integrity they show in the process.

I have two step daughters. One I am very proud of, and the other I still hold out hope that she'll catch on. Though I think the youngest one will have to endure many hardships before she sees that there is wisdom in what I tried to teach her. I haven't been the best step-dad. That remains the toughest job in our society today, I believe. I love them all, and I pray that God will get ahold of their hearts and minds and make them grow up to be loving, compassionate persons who think of others while not neglecting themselves.

This Sunday is Easter, the day we Christians who are truly Christians whose names are written in the Lamb's Book of Life, celebrate the greatest event, greatest gift God gave to all men. The gift of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, Who set in motion the events that His faithful will follow. I am in praise of His creation, something a random BANG could never have accomplished. I praise God for all He is and all He has provided for me and for all of my true brothers and sisters! Not the pew warmers, not the people who claim to be Christians then live for themselves, but for those Who have placed their entire trust in Jesus for their Salvation.

Kelli has trimmed, but not stopped her drinking entirely. Yet, for some stupid reason I hang on. Is it because I am tired of re-marrying, or because I am too lazy to make changes that maybe should be made? I truly do not know. I only know that if God wants her out of my life, He alone will make that happen. For, "What God has put together, let not man put apart." So, on I go.

Fall of 2006 Thoughts

It's the middle of November, we have just turned on our DSL connection and are now enjoying 21st century speed. How long I can afford it is up to God. Kelli has been doing well with the alcohol problem, but I wish she'd stop completely. Content I guess I should be that she has not really come home drunk in a long time. Our marriage has been rocky, but we are working things out there I think. I love her, I must for all of the problems I have hung in there for.

One more in the nest to boot out. Hope she leaves soon.

No Pain-No Gain?

Whatever it takes for us to sit down and listen to the Lord, it will happen. It happens because He loves us with unending enduring love. It happened for Kelli on June 6th, 2006. She put her fist through a plate glass window of the storm door because she was drunk, and mad at me. What she got for he effort was many stitches, an almost severed off arm, and much loss of blood. She was very lucky, and is recovering nicely, but she has learned something too. This was enough to be her "wake up call". I am not glad it happened that way, only that she woke up.

Daily thoughts

Daily thoughts

It seems all of us have crosses to bare. Kelli's is her health, which she does not manage very well. She now has a large mass in her breast, the one that was operated on last and a mass removed already. The same one that pre-cancer cells was found in. Although she has not made a big deal out of it tonight so far, I know her well enough to know she is scared. This is a fear that many women with fibrocystic disease deal with on a lifetime basis.

We have rain now. The drought watch is probably going to be over for a while. The sun has poked out this evening, it's 6:28Pm EST and days are longer now anyway.

I continue to struggle with debt, resisting bankruptcy and laboring through what I can pay. Meanwhile our utilities need to be paid and we need to be able to rise above all of this and be able to enjoy life again. Perhaps along the way we will get time to relax. Maybe that is not what life really offers, but it is never the less a hope I have.

Challenges abound where Mary is concerned, she continues to test me and in fact is down right abusive knowing I can not do anything about it. I hate being a stepfather, and I hate how I have to feel when she's around. I wish she'd hurry up and move the fu*k out!

Kelli had to go back into work tonight, so I am Mr. Mom for a couple of hours.

Daily thoughts: New Lease

Daily thoughts: Sweet Guy

It has been one week and 2 days since Kelli's last drink. I can see her trying to get ahold of her alcoholism now. I also hope this won't be temporary for her. She said she now knows I was serious about leaving her. If that motivates her, then that is a good thing, right?

I also went through a short trial of my own. I had a Nuclear Stress Test the monday before Easter, and got a call on that Tuesday following telling Kelli I had better get set up for a Heart Cath soon. We both were panicing and stressing over that. On Good Friday I had the cath done. The doctor claimed that there was an 11% chance it was wrong, but the cath was the only way to know for certain. So, I was looking forward to having Stents put in, and panicing and stressing the whole time. The stress test was WRONG! I was not only clear, but had no narrowings either.

Now all I have to deal with is getting this weight off, getting my blood sugar under control, and maybe even getting off all three of my medications within a year's time. THAT SHALL BE MY GOAL! I am doing fairly well with that so far.

To Kelli: I love you so much. I hope you will beat the alcohol thing. I really hope Mary doesn't drive us apart in the end. I will try not to let her win! When she is 18 and graduated, I can toss her butt out! And I will.

Sweet Guy

I am now diagnosed as having diabetes. Although this should alarm me, it is merely a wake up call to lose weight that I have badly needed to lose before. We are going to see if it is diet controlled or if I will need insulin or pills. Neither one scares me, I have never been afraid of needles. Now, at least I understand why I have had the types of cravings I have been having this past year.

I am not sure how long I have had it, but it must be that my blood sugar fluctuates because I can tell when it is up. I will now have to be vigilant about taking care of the body that God entrusted to me. I will exercise by walking for now, and will look into using the school's gym equipment.

Kelli is still drinking a lot, she does not seem to realize what this is doing to her and I, and perhaps she just does not care. Pridefully, she'll say that she does not care if I leave, but I think she will if/ when it happens. I am getting to the end of my tolerance of her situation. She needs AA and counseling to deal with underlying issues. Until she does that, she will continue until she has nothing, or dies. Too bad, because I really really love her.

Daily thoughts

Daily thoughts

The simple life escapes me. Who ever came up with that quote had a screw loose. For me the simple life would be simply my kids picking up after themselves, doing their homework accurately, and eating meals at the right times. That never happens, and I look forward to their being on their own because then and only then will they see first hand what it takes to run a household. Right now, I feel like the household runs the parents.

We are ruining our kids. They will grow up without a clue on how to manage home life. They will think dinner means "going out", instead of it meaning family time, and sitting down until everyone is finished. They will grow up thinking parents are supposed to buy their kids cars, and provide computers and internet access whenever they want it. Horse shit! Why have we allowed this? Why have we let our children rule and reign? Are we afraid of their rejection of us if we say "no" to them?

Daily thoughts

Daily thoughts
There seems to be so much hate in the world today. Muslims are up in arms about some stupid cartoon depicting Mohammad. They say he was a prophet, but if he was a prophet he would have pointed them to Jesus Christ, not some god who tells them to kill people and terrorize the world. These terrorists are not going to heaven and get 10 virgins, they are headed straight to hell, and that is a fact. I think God intended us to love one another, not bite and devour one another.

My house is at war of late. My wife is an alcoholic with no end in sight of ever quitting. The turmoil in my life as a result of this is very great, and I cannot conceive of anything more than a short life caused by the stress. Our whole family is affected by this. Her daughters are becoming a mess. Rules and guidance went out the window along with moral teachings. I don't know what to do next. I have a friend in Singapore, and Kelli thinks I am cheating on her with this actually very young girl. Yet, the only thing I have in Ginny is a friend across the ocean that I may never meet. She has a lot of wisdom that she offers to me. I will take that anywhere I can get it.

My daughter, Jessica, is graduating this year....if she gets her grades up like they should be. My step-daughter, Ashley is also graduating...two for one this year. Lots of money is needed for graduation. I think it will have to be a hall or the backyard....which means I have a lot of work to do.

What's Left

When you think you are at the end of your rope and then things get worse, you know that God is somehow trying to get your attention. I know I have to learn to listen to Him more attentively. It seems we go from one domestic situation to another.

I can attest to the fact that alcohol is a very real hinderance to having any money. When the one you love abuses it, you can watch your financial future go down the toilet, along with your respect and admiration you may have once had for them.

People are upset over cartoons of Mohammad, yet Mohammad was the beginning of terrorism. He used it himself during his attempts to get converts to Islam. I have no idea what he may have looked like, but I am sure he was Arab, a decendant of Ishmael. He did not steer followers to the true and living God, but instead to a god by another name....Allah they call him. I know that a war is coming against Jesus' foes, but it is hard to watch people following a false prophet.

Hind Sight

It has been a long time since I blogged last. This is not a Catholic version of a guilt confession, just a statement of fact. I generally have reasons why I take periods of time off and not write anything. Usually it is mood related...just don't feel like it shit.

I love my wife, yet there are times when I get insecure about her and I. When she gets to drinking too much she says anything without reguard to what she is actually saying. I believe she behaves in ways that she normally would not.

Mary is still out of the house. No prospect of her returning. Admittedly the house does not suffer the loss from the lack of bickering that used to be. Things we used to lock up are not locked up now. Food that once was eaten in one day is now spread out much further. Yet, she is missed because she can have a kind heart too. And she is opinionated, but I never really saw that as a bad thing. Great people are usually opinionated and their successes are attributable to that personality.

I am angry about Kelli's family betting on our marriage to fail. They were nice to my face, but behind my back they were pit vipers. I will not grace any of their doorsteps again. I have family that loves me, and they love Kelli too. She would be better off if she moved away from all of them excepting for Pop who remains a treasure to know. If only he would stand up to his wife once in a while.

Daily thoughts

Today is a cloudy Sunday, repercussions from the Hurricane Rita that rumbled through the Gulf of Mexico and is now pushing rain and wind North and East. Though we are spared from the wrath of two back to back Category 5 hurricanes, we are in no way spared from the damage it causes the economy, the gas prices, and other things we take for granted that come up from the southern states. We are blessed, more than we realize we are blessed.

I hate these troubled times. The Bible tells me this will all increase in time, and that soon, as the stage gets fully set for Jesus Christ to return for His faithful, we will be redeemed who have trusted in Him. Sadly, many I love will never see heaven.

My wife's father has taken ill again, and is in the hospital after having a death to life experience at the hands of a paramedic. Seems through this he has a new outlook on what life may have to yet offer him. There was a chance that his grand daughter was pregnant. As unwelcome as that is for a teenage girl, it would have still been his great-grandchild, and who can over look that reality.

Meanwhile we struggle to try to get either Jennifer back with her children, or have Christina go out there to get them. Jennifer has elected to get a divorce from Tyler, but I suspect it may be a smokescreen, one that DSS out there will surely sense as well. She must follow through with it. And Tyler needs to stay away so it isn't preceived as a smokescreen.

And now life goes on...to what I am uncertain, but it goes on. I continue to be the subject of my wife's accusations, of what I haven't a clue, but she seems bent on accusing me of something. I just got done telling my mother how I would never leave Kelli under any circumstances, and now I wonder how much I can stand of this. She has the false impression that I don't do anything around here, the evidence more shows that it is she who says she will do this or that and it does not get done...unless we happen to have guests coming over. Between Jessica and I we have been doing a lion's share of the laundry, and I do the kitchen EVERYTHING most of the time anyway. It is I who should plead for help. There is one other teenager living here who has yet to do any folding of laundry and continues to crap up her own room, which to me is her problem since she has to live in it.

Daily thoughts

My wife had some sort of emergency surgery yesterday. A hernia from an old incision was acting suspiciously like a
kidney stone. But thankfully it was not. The doctors repaired the culprit and now she has to recover from the surgery.
With a pile of laundry, and an equally high pile of bills, I am becoming more convinced that we need to file for
bankruptcy protection. We have until October 17th according to the news on the new laws.

My wife is changing jobs. The issue is more money. Now her former employer wants her to stay but she has already made a commitment to the
new employer. So, what's a girl to do? I say honor the last commitment you made, because it is about more than just money now. It is about
honoring one's promises. Particularly hard is that she waited longer than she should have to tell the first employer and asked the latter one for
a time period of three weeks, which he granted. So my take on this is you must oblige the latter one.

A cooler weekend, and now I suspect an early and very hard winter this year. One that most Americans can't afford.

Daily thoughts

Daily thoughts
As with all things good, life moves on. Direction is unknown except for my destiny in Christ.
The kids grow up and move out and have lives that at times may worry me, but it is for them
to solve the mysteries ahead. I have solved some of mine. Some will remain unsolved. In all,
there can be only one reality...do you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? In the end
all of what we do and say will be weighed by HIM

Daily thoughts

Daily thoughts

There is always something to be thankful for...at least that is what they tell you. I partially believe it now because I am thankful for my wife, Kelli and there is no one who I wish to replace her with. She has a hot temper, and when she goes off, she is impulsive about what she says and does. She has chosen to stay with me under the most trying circumstances, and that has to be very hard to do. I pray for her sake that these circumstances will improve for her. She drinks way too much, but I think she is starting to resolve matters of the past in her heart so that the past is becoming once again, the past.

My youngest has lost her first job, got canned, if you will because she was not mature enough. She must now own up to her failures, not try to hide behind things being someone else's doing but her own, then she must move on and learn from what she has experienced, for that is what makes a person of true grit and character.

Daily thoughts

Daily thoughts

I can't believe the bull crap people will put you through to get their own way. It seems my step daughter decided to stir up people, and although there are some things that may be true, they are out of context, or changed to make them sound worse than they are. When push comes to shove, I can be verbally reactive. I don't launch out on word assaults without being needled to do so. This is really causing problems in my marriage. Kelli's a bad mother and I am always picking on Mary, but the thing is all I am doing is trying to get her to comply with something I have told her to do. That's what a parent does. I can not see why my hands should seem tied in my own home. Everyone else in the place complies, but Mary has to mouth back and say things that hurt me, in retaliation I say things back. We are both mean to each other. She's an adolescent and I'm a full grown adult, but I still have freaking feelings.

So now her grandmother, a meddlesome witch, has decided to pull some shit. Guess she won't stop until Kelli and I are divorced. Hope we can out last her.

Summer of 2 double ott 5

My daughter at Graduation! Congrats Beckaboo!
You can't imagine what it's like to be in a relationship where there are cards stacked against you from get-go. I couldn't either 5 years ago, now I am taking a new look at my thinking. Everyone has flaws. Mine I guess would be that I don't take anyone's verbal crap without giving back some in return. At times I can even be known to say hurtful things, I guess to inflict hurt on the person hurting me with their words. I know that what I say, I don't mean, but I blurt without checking the outcome first. This flaw is causing problems in my marriage, so the solution would be that I need to step back more, evaluate my options, and instead of blurting I should take a walk, drive, or whatever to avoid being "sucked in" to someone else's difficulty. As a step-parent, I am certain that there is no way I can run my own home. I don't have enough support from my partner on a consistent basis, and if I want to remain married to her, I have to learn that I am just a transcient here until the kids are all grown up and moved out....can't wait! Am I being selfish? Perhaps, but I know that I have been battling the same scenario since 2001, not only with a step child, but with my mother-in- law. And I feel done with the battle. I will lick my wounds and try me best to tough it out and survive. I will continue in my faith and attend church regularly even though I have no partner in that, and should not have expected one in it. I will go because God is the one who can help me to become what I cannot become on my own accord. I will love my wife until / unless love becomes "not enough".

I Have Feelings Too! Damn it!

Daily thoughts

July 4th, 2005 -

Whiz bang! Fireworks will adorne the skies of many a town tonight as Americans celebrate in their own way, the anniversary of the Independence of our Nation. Freedom fought for, freedom died for. I am proud to be an American, and to have served in the United States Air Force.

At home today, things are quiet. I should rejoice, I mean isn't this what I have always wanted? Well, sort of. What I really want is to figure a way to get along with a 15 year old teenage girl who strives to make my life miserable, and I let her succeed. Now I regret my part in this almost daily event with her, but I surrender to my feelings too much. Now what I plan to do is simply be here, but NOT here. I will put food on the table to the best of my ability. I will do my part in keeping my house in order. Then when trouble brews, I will simply hop in the car and depart from it. There's no fixing this, so I will merely endure it.

Afterward

After the big graduation I am feeling a bit older. Now, I realize that there is no way to go back in time, and I am not sure I'd want to relive everything anyway. Still there is a certain amount of realization on my part that I am going to get old, and I am going to see people before me that I care about die for various reasons, nothing can stop that. God has appointed unto every man one death.

My #3 daughter has graduated, and has done very well in school. I regret that I am unable to give her the money she needs to go to college. I regret that she is going to have to work until she can acquire her own financial aid. That hurts me. That cuts me like a knife because I think about all of the times I squandered away what I had for a few selfish earthly pleasure.

My oldest is now trying to get my grandchildren out of foster care and with family. I am proud of her, and I pray for her success. In that, I am further regretful that I am unable to get them out due to my past. Everyone has a past, but one day I shall write a book about mine, so that perhaps someone might see it and think before they act.

Is there a mafia element in this country today. I believe so. I don't know nor want to know where , when, and all of that. It seems my #2 daughter has been rumored to be mixed up with someone that may be part of such a thing. I hope she gets her marbles back before she loses all she has.